depressed

i just feel so depressed today. kept thinking about time, the little time i have here and the time there and time to be spent somewhere else don't know where. it just makes me sad, not being able to meet with certain people but no one understands it. no one ask how am i doing for the last few days even weeks, no one close that is. no one from family ask me how am i doing here. even the one 'near here' only rarely ask me how am i doing. i usually have to start the asking around, which i don't think is fair.

so i thought, if i am going to be sent somewhere remote, i will definitely not hear from anyone close to me for as long as i am at that remote place. if it is 3 years then 3 years of nothingness from them. 3 years of longing to hear from them. 3 years of loneliness.

i don't know, maybe i will be better by morning, this thoughts maybe brought on by my hormones as it is that time of the month again after it being pushed further up by medicines. now the hormones are raging inside of me and making me feel tooooo much, think tooooo much and perhaps act and say toooo much.

but these thoughts are not new in my head, i have thought about it before and now here it is again. perhaps there are truth in them, hopefully not. i have heard that it will change, but somehow it always goes back to this and me feeling worse off. perhaps they really are busy and tired and think well of me, but a simple hello is really quite simple, a small quick meeting is possible if before it was possible, but why now then it is so hard to do? so hard to have? why does it make me feel lost and needy?

there, the same words again typed as before.

hopefully i will be better by morning.