Sunday...

Woke up quite late today as last night slept late, watching movies hehehe. Went shopping again, this time for some fabric to make into baju kurungs. Yup my closet will be full of baju kurungs soon.

Saw some lovely looking fabric but finally went back to the first shop we went into as it has 3 for RM45 and 3 for RM50 for another type of fabric. I got the second choice. The colours? The usual one I usually wear; purple, pinkish red and blue. This fabric has no flower prints on it so you could say it is quite plain but i like it.

Sat Evening

Got back from shopping, well i bought a shirt for my sister, saw some really beautiful clothes but did not get it because well i don't think i would look good in it hehehe. but maybe i should buy it and make it my motivation to be healthy hehehehe.

saw things, beautiful things, went walking (hehe got some exercise), ate good food, drank good drink, the taxi drive back here made me dizzy (still am) but so far the day had progressed to be a good day and i am glad :).

tomorrow is a brand new day and i hope to get some fabric to make into clothes hehehe.

got some new movies to watch too so i better get started hehee.

Sat Morn

so here it is, Sat morning hoping for everything to be better than yesterday. it started out not very badly but not very good as well. expectations were not met. i guess better to not have high expectations or to have no expectations at all to better take care of the heart.

or maybe i just want more, more more more. more before the time ends. but i have no luck this weekend for more, there is one sat left next week, better to not expect too much or not expect anything at all. but i do have to return some stuffs, so a fleeting meeting is all i can have, even though i was offered a fleeting meeting this morn, i could not accept, for fear of missing too much later on.

i apologized for wanting too much, for expecting too much, for thinking that i, at least, have a small place in a busy schedule, although busy, but the time for meeting is not just to pass some stuff and leave, without a hug or some physical touching. there it is, my side of wanting some romance in my life, making myself miserable for not having it when i so yearned for it, miss it. but i could not have it, so maybe next time, somewhere in the future.

after this, i will not be miserable, i will try to have fun, even with superficial people.

depressed

i just feel so depressed today. kept thinking about time, the little time i have here and the time there and time to be spent somewhere else don't know where. it just makes me sad, not being able to meet with certain people but no one understands it. no one ask how am i doing for the last few days even weeks, no one close that is. no one from family ask me how am i doing here. even the one 'near here' only rarely ask me how am i doing. i usually have to start the asking around, which i don't think is fair.

so i thought, if i am going to be sent somewhere remote, i will definitely not hear from anyone close to me for as long as i am at that remote place. if it is 3 years then 3 years of nothingness from them. 3 years of longing to hear from them. 3 years of loneliness.

i don't know, maybe i will be better by morning, this thoughts maybe brought on by my hormones as it is that time of the month again after it being pushed further up by medicines. now the hormones are raging inside of me and making me feel tooooo much, think tooooo much and perhaps act and say toooo much.

but these thoughts are not new in my head, i have thought about it before and now here it is again. perhaps there are truth in them, hopefully not. i have heard that it will change, but somehow it always goes back to this and me feeling worse off. perhaps they really are busy and tired and think well of me, but a simple hello is really quite simple, a small quick meeting is possible if before it was possible, but why now then it is so hard to do? so hard to have? why does it make me feel lost and needy?

there, the same words again typed as before.

hopefully i will be better by morning.

What did you say??

She said she does not have the money to eat big for the mentors' birthday, she wants to save her money to last her till the 23. But there she is spending her time and most probably money in Mv. Spending her money on food and/or as she mentioned before leaving..jeans. She just messaged me telling she will be late and spending more time in MV. So is that not having money and wanting to save money? Yeah right. Let us see if she comes back with plastic bags. Lots of them.

*sigh*

Just wanted to get that off me. Ever since coming back from CH, I feel bad tempered, most probably because of the flu, but I think also because I saw what my so called friends are really while out in the open. They are selfish, stuck up people with nothing else in their minds except their own self and pleasure, minta puji and think that they are all better than others. Hell this all started from before CH but at the camping. I can take care of myself, but of course everyone needs friends, but where was mine? Off by themselves, not bringing me in with them. Fine, I survived camping but I did saw what they really are.

I might have not behaved well myself but does that make it all right for them all to alienate me? The first night I had only an hour and 15 minutes sleep, roughly. I went inside our camp at 4.15 am and woke up at 5.30 am or so to prepare to go to Moral at 6 am. Then I had to stay up again till 1 am to do sentry?? Yeah right, I am tired and drowsy and pissed off!! Why did I stayed up late anyway on the first night? To do the stupid gerbang. Sure it shouldn't have been put off till late at night but we had no time to do it. We did have time in the afternoon but A told us to put it down. So we did. Then others put it up but it looked awful, so we redid it again and that was why we stayed up late. We did try to round up a few help but no one wanted to help. And the few help that we got, later on they went to sleep. Only a handful of us was up, helping. Me, A, P (my roommate), C, S and B. B was the commander, and he told us that we didn't have to stay up late tomorrow night. So I was pissed when I was told to stay up till 1 am. I wanted my sleep, I was barely working or standing. When I tried to tell the others my reason for not wanting to do sentry, none of them wanted to listen! Well, I just went to sleep. At 1 am I woke up again and heard them talk about who is doing what time for sentry. They mentioned my name for 3 am. WHAT?? I want to sleep. Fine, just wake me up then when the time comes but no one woke me up. Around 5 am I woke up and heard them talking about no one helping M to cook breakfast. So I got up and went to help and the atmosphere I felt there was cold...I just kept my mouth shut.

The second incident was when taking water. Me, P and A went to take water in 2 big gallons. When we arrived at the place, P said she wanted to pee, so she left. A and me filled up both gallons, then I had to pee. So I told A and she told me to go, so I went. The toilet was full (only 4) but I really need to pee. So I waited in line (I was next after the girl in the toilet). After I was done I went out and the gallons was not there. P was still in the toilet because she said she wanted to do number 2, so I left and went back to camp. Both gallons was there and when I went to search for A to tell her sorry, she did not want to listen. And the rest that helped her also did not want to look at me nor talk to me. So fine, I just kept quiet. But I feel hurt of course. I guess I was wrong to pee when I had to pee. After that they were all very cold at me.

Fine. I ignored them as well, as much as I could.

In CH, the same feeling, though I feel much more relaxed. I did not bring my wet towel because well it was wet, there were only 2 towels at the hotel, one go to P another to E. So I had to use my sarong for a towel. Worked out fine. Though a bit pissed off when the towel was grabbed from my hand the first day. Fine.

I forgot to bring my Broadband, was dizzy, still tired from camping, felt like I was coming down with flu with the cold and tiredness. Wanted to eat pork the first day there at CH, since it had been quite a while but since Y was following and she is not a pork eater, we/I could not. She was even mad at me for mentioning it. Goodness, I only mentioned the shop name which is Chinese, got steamboat and seafood and hinted that perhaps they have pork, and she was mad at me!? Duiiii....janganlah ikut, and bukannya saya bawa ko p makan sana budu!!

Last last, went to eat at Malay shop, tomyam and egg with white rice. Why?? Because of Y la what else...shit

Goodness I am tired and still have runny nose. Will resume this ranting session later tomorrow.